Tag Archives: horror

Battle of the Damned

Well… I can’t really come up with anything witty here. It’s Dolph Lundgren fighting zombies with a bunch of robots at his back. What do you want me to say?

Ah yes, Dolph Lundgren. If you’re unaware of my admiration for this Swedish actor, let me put it in simple terms: when I grew up I wanted to be Dolph Lundgren. I abandoned that dream when I realized I was a decent actor- oh, there I go again, being snarky! But seriously, when everyone else saw Dolph Lundgren and laughed, I couldn’t help but to think: “Oh yeah? So what did you do with your life that was so f—ing amazing?” That may not be entirely fair, we all go through life wanting different things but you can’t say Dolph Lundgren didn’t make something of himself. Regardless of what you call it, say the name Dolph Lundgren and people know who he is.

Some may say he doesn’t deserve all that fame but then there’s tons of actors I say the same thing about. If anything, Dolph Lundgren deserves it more than most since he held on through rough and tumble, through ridicule and mockery. While it could’ve been easy for him to just go away from Rocky 4 as a one-hit wonder, he instead chose this life and held on. I think that’s admirable.

And in recent years, he’s done somewhat of a comeback. Perhaps not so much in cinema with the exception of The Expendables and its sequel but on DVD. Not all of his work is great but if you want immediate examples worth checking out, in my humble opinion, take a gander at The Mechanik, Command Performance or Missionary Man. Or, you can just check out some of his most recent work: Battle of the Damned.

The year… is now. The place… is somewhere in Asia. The problem? Max Gatling is an idiot. Tasked with finding a rich man’s daughter from a quarantine zone, retired Major Max Gatling and his team waltz straight into what can only be described as hell on Earth. Told there was nothing but their target left alive in the zone, the team walk straight into a wall of zombies. When none but himself are left standing, he’s forced to undertake the mission on his own. But he soon finds that all is not as it seems in the abandoned city. Caught between a despot and flesh eating zombies (technically they’re not zombies), Max would need an army to get out of the city alive. But where can he find one that won’t become slim pickings for a horde of ravenous zombies?

What many don’t know about Battle of the Damned is that it’s actually a sequel to the director’s previous film Robotropolis. Okay, sequel is tenuous at best, it might be more accurate to say that they take place in the same world. Is there a term for that? “Related” seems a bit vague. It’s mostly the robots themselves that are a dead give away to this, sporting not only the same design but also mentioning the events in Robotropolis as do some of the characters. But from what little research I’ve done, none of the characters from the first movie return though that will have to wait until I’ve actually seen Robotropolis.

Oh yeah, I should probably mention that I haven’t seen Robotropolis. Get over it! I’ll watch it as soon as I can! In the meantime, here’s Dolph Lundgren walking away from a bunch of zombies (technically they’re not zombies).

Might I just say that I think Dolph Lundgren looks especially badass in this movie? ‘Cause he totally does. If you don’t agree, that would be because you’re lying to yourself.

So if there was ever one actor I never thought I’d see in a zombie movie (not counting Expendables) it was Dolph Lundgren. But honestly, I think he not just does a very good job but also fits in rather worryingly well, like this was what he was born to do. He plays Max Gatling, in case that wasn’t obvious and may I say that’s a fine name, and is one of two leading roles in the movie.
I like the fact that they’ve for once incorporated the fact that Dolph Lundgren is old and no longer in his prime. He’s retired and to accentuate the fact that he’s getting on in the years, he even has to use reading glasses, making him look oh so adorable… no, seriously, he looks like someone’s kind uncle or even grandpa, it’s amazing what a difference it makes.
Max Gatling never really reveals much about himself except that he’s in it for the money. We’re lead to believe he has a family or at least had at some point but nothing much is ever said about him. Instead we’re allowed to make up our own minds about him based on what he does. In my opinion he’s neither a bad guy nor a good a guy. Like he himself says at one point in the movie, he has no regrets about taking the mission except that he should’ve asked for more money.

Also something worth noting is the beginning of the movie where they show the band of highly trained mercenaries tearing through the city looking for Jude, their target. It’s not so much the scenes themselves but the ease with which they dispatch the zombies (technically they’re not zombies). I’ve always felt it strange that the military has never been very effective when it comes to zombies. From a purely logical standpoint, they shouldn’t be of any concern and the only reason the mercenaries suffer a major defeat is because they themselves trip up and eventually run out of ammo, leaving them to tangle with the zombies (technically they’re not zombies) in close combat which, for obvious reasons, is a bad idea.
All throughout this movie is a sense of realism with a few glaring exceptions. For one, as you might have noticed I keep hinting in a very subtle manner that they’re not zombies. And that’s because they’re not, coming closer to 28 Days Later than Return of the Living Dead. They’re not dead and are as human as you or I except for their insatiable hunger. And like you and I they’re dispatched just as easily. So there will be no Fulci-like rising from the grave here and if you die, you stay dead.

It was a surprisingly realistic twist on what I expected to be a very formulaic movie.

So all of you saying they’re not very good zombies or their make-up doesn’t make them look very zombish, there might actually be a point to that. Personally I really liked the look but I can understand why people would be disappointed.

On the other end of the spectrum from Max Gatling stands Jude, the young woman Max has been sent to find. She’s young but easily stands as Max’ equal and has a lot of spunk which I like. And I can’t deny that Melanie Zanetti, the actress portraying Jude, looks good but what really lends itself to the movie is her difference in height compared to Lundgren, adding a more dynamic and interesting feel to their relationship. Seeing her stand up to the giant that is Lundgren and actually make him back off is fantastic. A lot of this is of course owed to the fact that Zanetti simply gives it her all, acting as hard and well as she can and really pulls off what otherwise could’ve been a generic role.

Rounding out the rest of the cast is a merry band of survivors that Jude has attached herself to. The two with most importance is Duke, the self-appointed leader of the survivors, and Reese, Jude’s boyfriend. They’re both played well by David Field and Matt Doran respectively but only Field is given something really juicy to work with, Lord of the Flies style. The rest of the gang is made up of varying personalities and purposes but overall I think the gang comes together well.
What really surprised me was how human many of the characters were. Not all of them get anything resembling characterizations but the ones that do are done very well. At the end of the movie you came away with some idea of who these people were and whether or not you liked them. Most of them come with both negative and positive traits like any old humanbeing would. And unlike many zombie movies, the cast is not entirely made up of assholes that you want to see die. Instead some actual weight is given to their fates and I can honestly say that I got a bit invested in the cast as we got along.

The action is well choreographed though there is some obnoxious shaky cam and fast cuts used to hide the fact that the effects for the robots aren’t as good as one might want. And perhaps to hide that Lundgren isn’t as spry as once but again, it fits with the character so it bugged me that they tried to hide the fact that the retired Major pushing sixty was a retired Major pushing sixty. But even admitting to the fact that the effects weren’t as good as they could be, they weren’t as awful as I was readily expecting either.

And talking about the robots… well, it is a bit of an unfair description to say that this movie features full on zombies vs robots. The robots do make an appearance early on but only become active players towards the end of the movie, after Gatling gets his hands on them. And the trailer might make it look like he had some hand in making them but even the writers knew that would be stretching any sort of credibility they may have.

But in my honest opinion, the robots don’t disappoint. Once they start brawling with the zombies and fuck them up, you can’t help but to get a bit upbeat. There’s a very tense scene where Gatling and Reese first come across the white robots where I wasn’t entirely sure where they were going with it which I thought was expertly done. And yeah, if I were a better person I’d point out how the white robots can really be seen as white knights or something but hey, I’m a simple dude. They’re white robots. Get over it.
I really dig the overall design, there’s something deliciously retro and practical about them, how they can alternate between bipedalism and quadrupedalism (that means walking on four legs, I’m smart) and the fact that even a lug like Gatling can make modifications to them.

So ultimately, is the movie worth checking out? Well, if you love B-movies and only want to be entertained for an hour and a half then this just might be worth your time. It actually surprised me with its quality as I had gotten so used to stuff like The Asylum’s stable. But the use of “zombies” was very effective and the robots, despite not really being the headliners the trailer might promise, didn’t end up disappointing. But the hat comes off in honor of the actors who made something out of this fairly standard zombie romp with robots. While Lundgren won’t be winning any awards any time soon, when he does get a role he fits in he shines. And where he doesn’t quite measure up, Melanie Zanetti and her merry band of actors more than make up for it.

The easiest way to figure out whether you’d like this movie or not is whether you still think of the eighties as a treasure trove of action and horror movies because that is exactly what this movie harkens back to. If it isn’t your thing then by all means, stay away, but if it does sound appealing… have at it. And we’ll be bros.

Gingerclown 3D

Get ready for a surprise. Gingerclown has been released!

Wait, what do you mean you’ve never heard of Gingerclown? This is quite upsetting to me.

Gingerclown has been on its way for a good three, four years now and I heard of the film around the same time it was first revealed and to be fair, I got my knickers all kinds of wet from the news. It was multiple things that made me excited about this movie: it was intended to be a throwback to the old drive-in movies and horror flicks of yore. It featured puppets and animatronics rather than CGI. It takes place in an old, run down amusement park. But perhaps the thing that got me the most excited was that it featured three of my favorite horror actors of all times: Tim Curry, Brad Dourif and Lance Henriksen.

And I waited. Then I waited some more. God how I waited. And then… I forgot about it. Seriously, it took that long for this movie to be released even though it was supposedly done back in 2011. Luckily, though, I had told my friend about it and he was more diligent than me, keeping his eyes on Amazon until it was released. So great was his joy when he invited me over under false pretenses that he could barely contain himself, sitting me down in the sofa and going “Guess what movie!” as he played the first few seconds.

In case you’re curious, I guessed right.

Gingerclown 3D

Gingerclown takes place in the eighties and follows a trio of teenagers wrapped up in a dare. Biff, the stereotypical jock bully, dares the nerdy, weak Sam to enter the old, abandoned amusement park and bring back something awesome in return for a kiss from his girlfriend, Jenny. However, Jenny will have none of it and tired of Biff’s bullying ways instead joins Sam exploring the amusement park. But little do they know that the park is home to a pack of disgusting monsters just eager to pounce on their next prey. Unwittingly they’ve walked straight into Gingerclown’s trap.

Like I said, on paper it sounded like the most awesome movie in history. Did you read the part about the jock being named BIFF? There was nothing about this movie that wasn’t getting me excited. At least until the actors tried their hand at acting. Now, to be fair, Ashley Lloyd, Erin Hayes and Michael Cannell-Griffiths as Sam, Jenny and Biff respectively are decent in their roles but everyone else is horrible (not counting voice cast but we’ll get to that). There’s bad actors but there’s also an actor whose accent can best be described as a horrible mix of British, German and American and remember, this is supposed to take place in eighties America. I don’t think there were a lot of kids with that accent running around with the cool kid gang. I actually had to do a double take just to make sure I had heard right.

Luckily we mostly follow Sam and Jenny around but this is where the really ugly side of Gingerclown starts rearing its ugly head: there is no plot. The basic premise is there but it feels more like they came up with a bunch of different set pieces and monsters then tried to tie all of it together with the flimsiest of excuses possible. The result is Sam and Jenny aimlessly walking around an old amusement park, most often simply seeing cool stuff rather than being involved in it. There’s an entire scene where two monsters argue without Sam and Jenny even noticing despite the argument being quite loud.
Another scene has Sam and Jenny come across a grotesque form of some kind arguing about modernizing the sound system. And that’s it! That’s all you see of that monster and it’s not even related to anything that happens in the movie.

And that’s where the second biggest problem comes in: wasted voice cast. When you have three horror icons like Tim Curry, Lance Henriksen and Brad Dourif on your cast, you better do the most with them. Add Michael Winslow and Sean Young and you better deliver the greatness.

Henriksen’s Braineater

But the movie has no clue what to do with any of these actors. Both Sean Young and Brad Dourif show up for one measly scene and the Henriksen and Winslow duo is a painful slog of material a ten year old would find juvenile. I admit it was kind of funny hearing Lance Henriksen spouting very un-Lanceish dialog but that only works for so long. The only one who gets any kinds of decent screen time and material is Tim Curry but it was hard to tell it was even supposed to be Tim Curry. It sounded like Tim Curry doing an impression of how people think Tim Curry sounds like.

My best guess is that the director approached these actors merely out of fanboy eagerness rather than having anything in mind for them, fitting them in where he could. Everyone, even Tim Curry, is horribly underutilized and, like I mentioned before, terribly unfunny. Winslow, “Man of 10,000 Sound Effects”, at one point devolves into a minute or more long dialog exchange consisting primarily of burps and farts and changing the pitch of his voice up and down… this is not how you best utilize Larvelle “Motor Mouth” Jones’ talent!

If I didn’t know any better I’d say the voice cast were given no direction and were basically just told to goof off and they’d fit it into the movie later.

Which brings us to the third problem: the production. You can really tell this is the debut because it is shot in an extremely amateurish way and the budget was ridiculously low. They boast about using puppets and animatronics instead of CGI but the effects are so poor they don’t dare showing them on screen. The titular Gingerclown is barely in the movie at all and when he is it’s usually just in quick cutaways or partially off screen.
And the closeups, oh dear lord. The previously mentioned dialog exchange between Henriksen and Winslow is shot close up and never… ever… changes. It is literally the same angle from the same distance the entire time.

That’s not to say there’s no positives in the production at all. There are some genuinely creepy sets and the amusement park environment is sometimes used extremely effectively. There were times when I wondered how they pulled off certain shots and others where I simply had to admit they had done well.

But none of that takes away from the fourth and perhaps biggest flaw of the movie: it’s dull as shit. This movie doesn’t even make it past the ninety minute mark but it felt like it was three or four hours long. Towards the end I was honestly convinced it had a running time over two hours but then we still had twenty minutes to go.
It looks with envy at snails and molasses and glaciers moving at lightning speed compared to its own. I am not even kidding, we were seriously contemplating turning the movie off several times and doing something better with our time. And I sat through “A Scanner Darkly“… WITHOUT drugs!

And the ending leaves so much to be desired… so much.

All things considered, you have to cut this movie some slack because it was made in Hungary and it was the debut of a thirty something. It’s impressive that he did what he did. But with that said, it’s still an awful movie. Just awful…