Justin Carmical. JewWario. My number one go-to guy for inspiration and faith in the human race is gone. Killed himself four days ago. Depression. Shot himself.
A part of me really hates him for that. The cliches are heavy in my mind: it’s not worth it, things get better, it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, think of all the ones who love and care for you.
But I know they don’t work.
I know this because I’ve been there. I’ve seen the world through the darkest eye and nearly didn’t come up for air. People who don’t know cannot understand just what hellish world you live in when you’re depressed. When you stand on that darkest edge overlooking the blackest pit and you think “That’s where I belong. Down there. Not up here. I’m not worth it.”
When I was a teenager, I think around when I was 17, I was miserable. I didn’t feel like I fit in and I was paranoid to the point of delusions. I couldn’t do anything right, the harder I tried the harder I failed. And then everyone would laugh at me. At me, no-one else but me. Every time I heard someone laugh I immediately thought they were laughing at me. When I couldn’t quite hear what my family was saying to each other, they were talking about what a huge failure I was. I was ugly and unloved and would be for the rest of my life.
So why drag it out?
And that was almost it. No more me. I turned back at the last minute but most people have no idea how close I came to ending it. I was literally standing on the balcony railing when I turned back. I’m glad I did now but back then I hated myself for being a coward.
So JewWario’s passing hits just a little too close to home for me. And I’m going to play the “You don’t get it.” if you criticize him. Because you really, really don’t. To some of us, life is an eternal battle, a burden we carry that sometimes weighs just a little too heavily.
It’s been sort of heart warming to see so many who suffered like Justin did, myself included, rally together and talk about the dangers of clinical depression. Because I really think we need to. A quick check online confirms what I almost already knew: suicide rates are going up. Especially now during the economic downturn.
I know no-one is going to read this but I had to write it anyhow. Clear my mind and think a little. I know what I must do now. I have a new goal. For a long time, one of my biggest goals in life was to one day able to meet Justin Carmical himself in the flesh. That’s how much he meant to me. But I guess we’ll just have to wait with that meeting a while. So until then the only thing I can do in his honor is to not give up.
In my last blog post I said I might not have time or the energy to do more videos. Well… you know what? I will. It’s not just for myself any longer. I know it’s not much in the grand scheme of things but to me it’s incredibly important. I need to keep my memory of him alive. He once inspired me to do videos and now he’s done it again. Creature Feature Theater and A Fistful of Tokens is back but now with a new dedication.
When I do finally meet up with him, no matter where he is, I hope I’ve done him proud.
Good bye, Justin “JewWario” Carmical. You were a beautiful man so go to rest and find peace and we’ll have a big blowout party with all your fans when we next meet. But I hope you understand that that won’t be for a very, very long time yet.